My Utile Center

FIVE DON’T DO’S

How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist

• Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him

• Never offer him any intimacy

• Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on)

• Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity

• Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: “I think you overlooked … made a mistake here … you don’t know … do you know … you were not here yesterday so … you cannot … you should … (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) … I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly) …” You get the gist of it.

The TEN DO’S

How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You

If you INSIST on Staying with Him

• Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don’t believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.

• Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary NS for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff - an inevitability, in any case.

• Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking).

• Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.

• Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and “I’ll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion”.

• If your narcissist is cerebral and NOT interested in having much sex - then give yourself ample permission to have “hidden” sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.

• If your narcissist is somatic and you don’t mind, join in on endlessly interesting group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic (STDs and blackmail come to mind).

• If you are a “fixer”, then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become “situations”. Don’t for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the narcissist - it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn - they just simply can’t be fixed.

• If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.

• FINALLY, and most important of all: KNOW YOURSELF.

What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent perhaps? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?

Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.

Define the things that you find harmful TO YOU. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don’t expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU which emanate from the unchangeable WHAT the narcissist is. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.

(Co-authored with Alice Ratzlaff)

About The Author

Sam Vaknin is the author of “Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited” and the editor of mental health categories in The Open Directory, Suite101, and searcheurope.com.

His web site: http://samvak.tripod.com

Frequently asked questions regarding narcissism: http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html

Narcissistic Personality Disorder on Suite101: http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd

All of us get angry. Some of us get angry very often. Some are able to control the anger. Some of us express our anger freely, whereas some suppress it. Why do we get angry? Is there any way to control the anger? How to do that?

We get angry when we are stopped doing something. Or when we don’t get our way. We get angry when our desires are not fulfilled, or when people don’t agree to our viewpoint. Many times we get angry when we find our views at great variance with others and are not able to understand the other viewpoint and disagree with that.

List your friends. Think about a situation and imagine the reactions. For example, let us say that the situation is this - your friend is sitting in a restaurant and someone spills something hot on his/her hands unintentionally. Now imagine the reactions from your list. You will write reactions that will vary greatly. You will imagine a friend of yours laughing it off and another friend calling the manager and making a big scene. The reactions are different because they are controlling their anger differently. How?

Some of us never take things very seriously. So they don’t get angry over small things at all. That is the nature of these people. Can we use any techniques to control anger? Let us examine. Do you react immediately, or think about what went wrong before reacting? Those of us who react spontaneously, get angry fast. Those who think about it before reacting are able to understand and control their emotions better. Why not count up to ten before reacting?

Understanding others viewpoint helps in many situations. As we have our viewpoint, so do others. Why try to enforce our thoughts on them? Why not at least try and understand what they think and why? If your boss is angry with you, you need not react immediately. Give some time and think about all the possible reasons and you may find the answer to his anger. If at the end you realize that his/her anger was totally unjustified, you chose to forgive and not react angrily.

Emotions such as anger can be controlled. It needs reflection. It needs practice to exercise restraint. By winning over your anger you will become a better person. Make your anger your slave and not get enslaved by it.

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